no coffee

I've been kind of busy lately and now I'm really sick. My stomach hurts like hell, all my joints as well and everytime I try to stand up I get all dizzy and it feels like I'm gonna faint.

That means no coffee today, just loads of water and tea with a lot of dextrose in it (to give me some energy). I've tried to eat a little but my stomach kills me when I put food in it. Maybe I should try a hint of ice cream?

I also feel awful, it's only one and a half week until my histology exam and two weeks to the exam in physiology. I'm sick and can't study since I'm sleeping all the time and I don't wanna be here in the evil U-town and I just feel miserable and wanna cry. I feel so sorry for myself and even if I know that it's not a really big deal I still wanna go away and come back when all is good and my stomach is nice to me.

wending machine coffee

I bought a 5-SEK-plastic-cup-of-coffe in school today and it reminded me so much about the spring two years ago when I took this course in environmental science at the University of Stockholm and met my best sailing-friend, Nina.

The taste of the instant coffee, the feeling of the warm, plastic cup in my hand just switched me back and I remember us sitting in the sun outside school, drinking coffe and smoking. It was a good spring and still I wasn't really happy since I just wanted to go to vet-school instead. Now I'm in vet-school, drinking similar coffee outside school, smoking in the light rain and I'm not happier.

Just a different girl.

lecture latte

I sat in school today and had the first lecture of the week. I drank a quite nice latte I bought in a petrol station on my way to U-town. I wasn't sleepy, I payed attention and it was actually an ok moment and I realised that it was the first time in weeks I actually felt I had some energy in school.

I guess something is going my way. Finally.

the schedule from hell

H came over yesterday and we hanged out a bit and he stayed over the night. It was really good but sad because we miss each other so much and both feel kind of lonely and still, I know that it wouldn't work out - at least not right now. And I feel bad, not really because I broke up with him, I mean I had to do it, but because in a way he's much more lonely than I am and I don't want him to be. Even if I feel lonely sometime I still have so much things to do in school and I have all these new friends and my family just around the corner. He hasn't and I know that it makes him sad sometimes.

But we had a nice breakfast and sat for a while, drinking coffee and smoking and talking before he went home. It was nice and in a strange way it felt a little bit better. Maybe we comforted each other.

In the afternoon I sat down and made the scehedule from hell. I'll start tomorrow and I'll study like a mf for three weeks and then I can be happy and go on holiday. I had coffe and a smoke and wrote down everyday until the exam and counted my hours in school and then wrote down how many hours I'm gonna be in school and how many hours I'll have to study beside that. From now on it's 9 hours at least 5 days a week, one day completely free from anything evil and one day that I'll maybe just study half the day or something. And the best is that I can delete one day each evening and then I'm gonna be one day closer to my spring-break, my trip to London, the summer, the rest of my life and so on. This feels good.

home-made lattes

Me and Snöret made our own lattes today and sprinkled them with amaretto. Then we had a long talk about my life right now and the fact that I feel so unmotivated and in some ways fell back in the J-hole when he made a move.

I'm angry with him now but in a more normal way since I'm not particulary in love with him anymore and I feel like I eventually will see him as just another person that have been in my life. Maybe I'll even be able to meet him and just have a normal relation to him, like he's anyone but I think I have to be careful, right now I'm not sure that I could resist him and maybe I would just fall again. And I really don't wanna do that, it would totally not be worth it.

I feel a little bit better now. I called in sick today - it feels like my cold never wanna leave me - and have spent the day just chilling and talking to Snöret. Now she's going to the snail-nest for some sugarcubes and I'll start to study. I just have to do it and I don't think I ever will feel like it so I better just start and get it over with. And I really would be happy if I could pass the exams before spring-break, I think a lot of things will be better after that.

latte in the window

Forgot my bag in U-town which meant that I unfooortunately couldn't study at all today so I had latte with Snöret instead. We're at a new place called Lola's and it was ok latte, nice pasta and an amazing window to sit in.

Outside it was sunny but really windy and we sat there in the window, looked out at the people walking by and planned to go to New York. I really hope we could make it and now we got the official invitation from our friend Rodger and with a good financial plan which literally means I have to live on pasta the rest of the spring I could make it. Especially since I wanna stay the rest of the summer in London after the trip to New York. But it would be so much fun that I think it's worth it.

tea on the balcony

Today I wanna highlight the cup of tea I drank just before I went to bed. I had an ok day that became shit when I came home. I just couldn't do anything. Not study or whatever, I just sat in my room and cried, tried to sleep a bit and wondered what to do. Decided to go back to Stockholm and skip my class tomorrow so I packed my things and left.

It felt so good to leave the evil U-town and on the train I felt exhausted but at least I didn't cry anymore. Went home to my brother and his girlfriend and had tea and sandwiches with him and my mum. It was really nice to have some quality-time with the family even if we missed dad who's in the hospital waiting for his operation (he have had some trouble with his carotis communis dx).

My bro showed me this user-friendly music-program called Live and I got some inspiration to do my own murmur-electro. Before we went to bed we sat on the balcony and drank the last tea and smoked and it's a really nice view over the neighbourhood there.

Sometimes I really miss that apartment, we had a really good time living there together.

the theme

Now I picked a theme. Since I can't steal my brothers breakfast-thing I choosed another one, similar but still good. I'm gonna write about my coffee of the day. I drink coffee in some form almost everyday in so I think it's a good one and if it isn't coffe it's something like it.

I can start with telling you about my best cup of chocolate in Edinburgh. Me and Emma found this amazing little french café near the Circus Place and they made the best chocolate I've drank in all times. We also had some nice soup and after that we sat outside in the springish sun and had a cigarette. Emma smoked too since she was on vacation and we both enjoyed it big time. Edinburgh was a lovely city with some nice shopping, a lot of good cafés and clubs.

I can also tell you about my not so nice cup of tea when I came home, checked my facebook and realised that J finally had confirmed my pending friend-request (about three months too late). I don't know what his problem is but it's like he just can't let me go away in peace.
I was so relieved knowing that he was on the other side of the Atlantic and that he never would fuck with me again but then he's not only making me a friend on face-book, it seems like he's coming back to Europe as well. Why can't he just stay in Brazil and have a shitty life with his bitchy ex and leave my hair alone?'
My only comfort regarding this is that it feels like I won a small but sweet victory and that this won't be enough. If he want me as anything he better put in much more serious effort than just confirming me as a friend.

off we go

The beginning of the week have had it's ups and downs. I actually managed to study a bit on Monday and it was a sunny day with a hint of spring in the air so life wasn't all miserable. Yesterday I jumped my friends horse and got some practice for the competition on Saturday and was out a quickie on the Island to pick up some stuff. Also met up with my lovely little sister and we talked a bit about our trip to London. It's gonna be fun.

Today I was all flimsy in school, slept during lecture and sat in the sun and had coffee and cigarettes with my friends. It was a good day but I didn't study at all. And now it's an hour left until we go to the airport to head off for Edinburgh. Both me and E are kind of excited about the whole thing so I really hope it's gonna be a good trip. I'm coming back on Sunday and when come back to school on Monday it's exactly four weeks left until our next exam so then it's gonna be no more slacking. Hopefully our little vacation will give us some energy and motivation back.

boring fuck

I feel scattered as I always do nowadays and I pretend that I don't have to go to school and study like a mf tomorrow by staying in Stockholm tonight. Now I drink some tea and smoke while I wait for Snöret to come home from work.

I'm just sick and tired with everything right now. I know I have to really make an effort in school because my exam (as my sister reminded me of today) is only six weeks away but I just don't know how to get the will and energy. I'm even fed up with all my friends and probably most fed up with myself and I really don't want anything anymore.

And my theme goes to hell since I can't come up with something better than my brothers breakfast-thing and he wants to keep it all for himself so I don't really know what to write. I don't wanna write here just when I need to whine about how pissed/sad/out of energy I am, I need to this site to something nice and interesting that could be more of a diary than it is now. Today it's just a diary of my bad days and I want the good ones here too.

theme

I'm thinking about a theme for my ****. I really like to write here but all my posts are just scattered, random and I need something to write about that put it all together. I've been thinking about doing the photo thing but it's too much work and I think it could be too personal, I don't want to show things in my life too much. I'm even a little bit worried about putting out a pic of myself but it's not that obvious who it is so I'll give it a try.

Maybe I should steal my brothers old ****-theme, breakfast. He had an amazing **** last year and wrote about his breakfast and at that time he was in London and we didn't talk that much so you kind of knew what he was doing by reading about his breakfast. I really liked it and it's a shame he don't do that anymore (or maybe good if he'll let me steal the theme).

hatehatehate and killkillkill

I don't know what's wrong with me, all day I've been pissed about almost everything so I actually left in the middle of my last class just to go home and just don't be around people. I'm even irritated at my friends that normally are the people who keeps me going.

I have no energy, no motivation whatsoever (despite me going to London and everything) and I really need to study, I can't do this so much longer, it will come back and fuck me around, I know this and still I don't know what to do about it.

My only comfort is smoking and I was suppose to give that up ffs! And I eat bad things even if I shouldn't. I really wanna loose some weight so I try not to eat fucking cookies all the time but it's hard and weirdly enough I rather smoke than eating something sweet. And Amy and Emmy are all about how they have to work out and get thin and it fucks me up even if I don't want to, I mean, they aren't even half as fat as I am. Ok, I know I'm definitely not fat but compared to them I have some more kilos to loose and I fucking hate to work out. I have to find a way to train myself that isn't boring like hell. I'm even thinking about a hint of anorectic living but when I'm hungry I get so angry that you don't even wanna be near me.

I hate everything today and I think that the thing I hate the most is that I hate everything. Fuck it, I'm gonna smoke some more and do nothing useful and go to bed too late. I mean, right now it feels like there really isn't a point with anything.

mixmaxmjaupaw

Oh, what I should have studied tonight but my computer is almost back after the horrible tea-party* so I had to celebrate with some internet-updates. And right now it feels like I already know some of the things we are reading about and I passed the first exam so I'm not that motivated.

And I booked a flight to London which means I have to study like a mf until spring-break (or at least that was the deal I made with myself). I'm going there for a long weekend int the end of march and then it's almost a year since I went there for the first time, I wonder what that means?

Today I was so low I almost felt sick and we had to cut up male animal-genitals, not the dream, so I just went away, sat down anywhere and had a cigarette instead. Don't know but I feel strangely empty/sad-but-not-depressed/out-of-energy. I need to find a way to regain my strength.

And I also wished I had one of those funny and up-dated ***** that people read all the time and love but I guess I can't write all the time about everything and when I really feel like I need to write it's beause I'm not that happy or need to get something out of my head.
And most of the time I'm so brilliant with my friends that I don't have anything left for this site.



*At least a half cup of tea all over her, after 48 hour on a towel she's working but still have somekind of light shades in the LCD on her right side.

last weekend

Still in no mood for studying and I haven't even looked at the EKG-thing we're doing tomorrow but I've had coffee with a friend, looked after C's cats and talked to Jessica by skype since I don't have any batteries left on my cell. We planned a trip for me to London in late march and I don't really got the money but I just have to go. With a booked flight I just know that my energy will come back.

I'm off to Sthlm tomorrow, we're going out with some people in my class and I'm worried I really gonna need a plan B to be able to flee because there are some serious freaky elements that are joining us. I'm not even sure I wanna be seen out on the street with some of them but wtf, maybe it'll be nice. We're going to this electro club and it sounds promising but it'll be hard to beat last weekend.

Last friday I first met a lot of nice people on a party, got wasted on some amsterdam-shit so Sebastian had to follow me home and then on saturday I was at Tech-Noir in my amazing pink lashes and met this cute english guy who turned out to be a member of Sisters of Mercy. We went to an after-party and I had a really good time but it's a fucking shame that the only real good-looking man you meet is a damn rock-star that you really can't do anything with if you don't wanna feel like a groupie.

back for a while

I guess I'm back for a while. So fucking sick of school that the only thing I've done this week is staying up far too late and falling asleep in school. I'm sick of U-town but love my room more and more. It's the place to be if you have to be here and with my pink bed-wall, new table and lovely scented candle from muji it's soo nice.

But I just can't motivate myself to study or even care about school right now and since I've got next exam in march there isn't really anything to push me either. I just don't wanna be here in this boring town wasting my life away looking at histology pics of respiratory organs. I'm dying of boredom...

J is more or less out of my head now and I now feel entirely good about the fact that his so far away I never will see him again. Hopefully I'll have enough money to go to London during spring-break and for once just focus on having a good time dancing my ass and head off. And I think I've decided to go there this summer, I have to go away and do some nice things that have nothing to do with school or anything here.

Don't know when I'll write here next time. I need it in a way but most of the time I'm just to busy to take care of my head and even if I know I have to I just can't find the time and peace.

pause

It's an good year so far. I really am more creative nowadays and I have much more fun. What I haven't had is time to write here but be patient, it's been less than a month and I'm still adjusting to my new life. I'll be back eventually and then I hope it's good.

Until then I'll listen to this:



...and watch this:

more creative

I'm at work and soon I'll be out on the Island but first I have to leave the keys in our old apartment (ooouuuääää) and sit on the bus for an hour (zzz).

Had a really slow night yesterday but still overslept (fucketifuck) and I have a cold and feel really tired but I'm also kind of happy.
Been reading a lot of ***** and other things today (have been a slow day) and I got some inspiration. I'll try to make my **** a little bit more interesting too, not only whine about being sad or empty.

I don't like to promise things on new year but I try to be much more creative in 2008 and really take some time off the boring school and just reinvent me and myself. I'll try to be even more of a fuck-up this year but a damn happy one with a lot of colours all over.

happy new year

So, it's new years eve and I'm in my 2nd home in Stockholm all by myself. And still, it feels good.
Didn't get much sleep last night and I've been working all day so I'll probably fall asleep before midnight but I don't really care. NYE isn't that important to me and I have some bailey's ice cream, a drink, loads of cigarettes and Skins season 1 on my computer. If I just had a joint my live would be fulfilled.

I guess I should write something about the past year but so many things happened that I don't even know were to start. It have probably been the most overwhelming year since I was born but fuck, I survived.

I just hope for a much better 2008.

sugar rush

Can't sleep and I just finished the last episode of Sugar Rush and I already miss it. It's one of the best I've seen and I'm totally into girls now, or actually I'm into anything cute obviously since I made out with a nineteen year old sweet boy outside the petrolstation the other night. I was so happy and drunk and I'd seen him before and I really think he's cute so I just went to him and asked him if we should kiss and he said yes so I just kissed him (unfortunately he had left when we came out again but wtf).

I can feel some energy and happiness come back to me but I really have to make some amazing plans for this summer so I have something to think about when school fucks with me too much.
Right now I'm torn between stay home and put some serious effort into sail-racing and spend all my time out on the sea or go to London, get a shitty job, dance my ass of and go to Brighton and look out over the sea. It's a fucking hard decision.

back in the city

Back in Stockholm and for the first time I just wanted to stay out on the Island. I had such a good time out there with my family during christmas and I slept like a kitten, made some candy and just chilled and ate a lot of good stuff. I'm also half through with season 2 of Sugar Rush and I love it.

But I also have a good time here in the city. Yesterday me and my brother were out with Remus, Gurkan and Pajjen and had some beers and I really like them.

Hopefully G and my brother will get their lazy asses off to Uppsala and paint some nice things on my wardrobes. I have to move all my stuff this weekend and I'm not happy about it but I'll make my room as nice as possible so I at least will be happy in one little piece of my new evil hometown.

I actually feel really bad about going back there and to school, I don't want to study anymore and I don't want to go back and live there but I guess I really don't have a choice.