I kick ass

I'm back in my beloved Sthlm and have spent the evening in my old apartment with H and my brother that came by for dinner and a quick coffe (I love him so much and it breaks my heart that we don't see each other more often).

Now it's late and I had a plan to study a bit but I lost it here when I catched up on some unread ***** and started to order gifts for christmas. I don't have much money but luckily you can find amazing books in second hand stores. But I don't panic over christmas (or anything) anymore. I'll just chill and take it easy and probably it's just good for my ass to eat a little less food this month (like I did last month).

And right now I'm not even nervous about my date tomorrow. If he don't like me he can go fuck someone else. It feels good to be self-confident.

islands

Exactly two years ago I was living on Iceland and longed for home so much I cried almost once a day. But every morning I woke up and put on the tv in my room and almost everytime I saw this video.



I don't know why but it really comforted me and now when I only remember the lovely things about it and sometimes long for being there again I like to watch this and feel a part of that Island in my heart.


(And of course I got inspired by Jonas.)

advice please

I have somekind of coffe-date with a law-schoolguy.

What to wear and what to do?
Haven't been on a dateish thing in almost ten years.

superstar-dj, here we go

Had the most amazing night yesterday. Me, Karin and Michael in my class played records at a party we were throwing in vet-school and it was so much fun and we got a lot of cred for the music. Today I've actually been reconsidering my choice to become a vet, maybe I should just drop out and be a kick-ass-techno-dj-girl instead.

But I think it's good to have a back-up plan and that's why I think I'll stay in school at least until I get my international breakthrough.

So tomorrow it's all about genes and DNA again.

everyone else in the world

You'll have to stand perfectly still
You'll have to close your eyes
And when I am finished
I don't believe you can go

Everyone else in the world
Would love me by now
Would love me from day one
But not you

Everyone else in the world
Would love me by now
Would love me in a crowd
But not you

False promises of love
Still promise love
You'll get what you want
When you just want what you get

Everyone else in the world
Would love me by now
Would love me from day one
But not you

Everyone else in the world
Would love me by now
Would love me in a crowd
But not you



(Stina Nordenstam)

yey

I passed the exam with an inch so now it's just me and my books until christmas. I'll never be that unprepared again.

I'll not be sad, I'll study like a mf

Life's slightly better and I'm beyond being stressed out. I'm gonna study as much as possible this weekend (which means I can't go out to the lovely Island and it breaks my heart) and if I pass the exam I'm gonna be happy and if I don't there's always another chance.

Now it's bone, cartilage and molecules all day long.

See you on tuesday.

act sober (or sober act)

I've changed in so many ways the last six months and mostly I feel like it's a good thing but I'm not always sure.

I have partied more during this period than I have in most of my life and sometimes I feel like I have been doing it too much. Of course, it's ok to be kind of decadent as a single (as Karin told me today) but I don't think that's the reason why I do it and lately I've had this feeling that I actually just want to get wasted to get released from everything in my life right now and that scares me. I had some rules and I ignored them and sometimes it feels like I don't know myself anymore and that scares me even more.

So, I made this decision today. I'm not gonna drink anything for at least a month or so. I don't really need it and if I need it, I totally need a break from it. I get too used to it and I don't want that and I can't handle myself. I have to take care and make my life happy without escapes and I have to find myself for real and how could I possibly do that when I'm lost in wasteland?

And for the record, it's not like I drink everyday or even several times a week but I find the way the parties are in school a little bit unpleasant and I find myself getting drunker than I should just because of that (and just to stand them) and I don't want it to accelerate. And then we have LDN but to be honest I don't really see that as a problem, I can leave it like that as long as I'm careful.

And since I'm utterly unhappy right now, booze will definitely not make it better.

utterly unhappy

I'm home and have to study but all I can do is cry. I don't know for which reason I cry, there are too many and I feel so lost. I wish I could put everything in my life on pause and leave it there for a while.

Maybe it's just H or J or everything or whatever. Maybe it's just a chemical hung over since my massive drunkenness this weekend or maybe this is the time I go from slightly to completely mad. I don't know and maybe I don't even care. I just want it to go away so I can do my homework.

I wanna disappear

And I try so hard to go on, keep up some kind of work, see some lights and not feel like boredom but it's so hard. I know it's just to start it all up and studystudystudy until the exam but I am so slow. I don't wanna be here, don't wanna go to school and I don't even wanna think about me moving in less than a month.

I just want to go away and come back around christmas. With a passed exam behind me. And oh, surprise - someone moved all my things. Thanks!

go away

I'm just fucked and a totally mental mess, depressed and about to catch a cold.

I'm trying to pick myself up but nothing seems to help. My energy is size zero and I have so many things to do. I need a PT for my life and some seriously heavy uppers. I fall asleep all the time and I can't have it like this anymore.

Life, please go away and leave me alone!

parliament square

Don't know what I'm feeling right now.

Went out last night with amazing V and her friends since her boyfriend were one of the dj's at HootchyKootchy-club. Had a great time, met the lovely Lady Oscar and it was a lot of unrestrained people there. The club had a slightly Londonish feeling and that felt good 'cause I miss going out there so much.

Went home with a random guy and had sex and I don't know what that was all about. He was thin and cute enough and a ok fuck. I came and fell asleep, didn't really care about him but come on, that's how men do it all the time.
I don't feel bad about it at all but I could as well have went home by myself. At least I did the single-one-night-stand-thing but it was not really interesting. We didn't have anything in common and I wasn't sorry when he left without having breakfast.

The depressing thing with the whole situation was that I thought about J all the time and actually felt a little bit guilty about it. I shouldn't because I know he doesn't want to be with me and he obviously don't even wanna be my friend despite all the fancy talk about me being amazing everytime we meet. I think his problem is that he don't want to seem like a bad guy and therefore act all nice and sweet when we meet and can't really admit that he don't want to be with me at all. And then when I leave it's easy for him to just ignore me.

I hate when people do that and I really don't understand anything that he had done since he stopped being my beloved boyfriend that I would do anything for and just turn in to this other strange person I don't even know.
I told him when we met the last time that I saw him as two persons and that maybe he could be a third one for me that actually were someone I knew and could start to like again. Maybe I'm wrong but it seems like he's just that second person and I don't like the one he turned out to be.

So, I shouldn't feel guilty about being with others and I definitely shouldn't wait for him but I still have him inside me, fucking up all. I'm not gonna call him or anything and if he want a part of me again he really have to prove himself and sadly enough I don't think he's gonna do it. And I'm so sad for that becuse the first J was the most amazing one. And maybe too good to be true.

waiting around to die

I had this big backlash the other night and were really sad about everything. Sat outside M's apartment, smoked and listened to music and looked at this cold, dark autumn sky and felt like nothing made sense at all. M came out, hugged me and was just as you want someone to be when you are in that state of mind. He really is one of the best people I met lately and it feels like he truly understand that inexplicable sadness that come over me sometimes (probably because he's all the same).

And the next day we went to school, sat and studied and I hanged out with some of the people in my class and I started to feel better. I sat in the school-cafeteria thinking about how things really weren't all that bad and that eventually everything would be alright. And M came back from the toilet and told me the exact same thing.

And it felt like a great comfort because there are so many times you feel like a fuck-up and like there's no point with anything. But then it always gets better, it all turns out to be fine and you survive and feel good about life. And that's what makes you going.