parliament square

Don't know what I'm feeling right now.

Went out last night with amazing V and her friends since her boyfriend were one of the dj's at HootchyKootchy-club. Had a great time, met the lovely Lady Oscar and it was a lot of unrestrained people there. The club had a slightly Londonish feeling and that felt good 'cause I miss going out there so much.

Went home with a random guy and had sex and I don't know what that was all about. He was thin and cute enough and a ok fuck. I came and fell asleep, didn't really care about him but come on, that's how men do it all the time.
I don't feel bad about it at all but I could as well have went home by myself. At least I did the single-one-night-stand-thing but it was not really interesting. We didn't have anything in common and I wasn't sorry when he left without having breakfast.

The depressing thing with the whole situation was that I thought about J all the time and actually felt a little bit guilty about it. I shouldn't because I know he doesn't want to be with me and he obviously don't even wanna be my friend despite all the fancy talk about me being amazing everytime we meet. I think his problem is that he don't want to seem like a bad guy and therefore act all nice and sweet when we meet and can't really admit that he don't want to be with me at all. And then when I leave it's easy for him to just ignore me.

I hate when people do that and I really don't understand anything that he had done since he stopped being my beloved boyfriend that I would do anything for and just turn in to this other strange person I don't even know.
I told him when we met the last time that I saw him as two persons and that maybe he could be a third one for me that actually were someone I knew and could start to like again. Maybe I'm wrong but it seems like he's just that second person and I don't like the one he turned out to be.

So, I shouldn't feel guilty about being with others and I definitely shouldn't wait for him but I still have him inside me, fucking up all. I'm not gonna call him or anything and if he want a part of me again he really have to prove himself and sadly enough I don't think he's gonna do it. And I'm so sad for that becuse the first J was the most amazing one. And maybe too good to be true.