happy new year

So, it's new years eve and I'm in my 2nd home in Stockholm all by myself. And still, it feels good.
Didn't get much sleep last night and I've been working all day so I'll probably fall asleep before midnight but I don't really care. NYE isn't that important to me and I have some bailey's ice cream, a drink, loads of cigarettes and Skins season 1 on my computer. If I just had a joint my live would be fulfilled.

I guess I should write something about the past year but so many things happened that I don't even know were to start. It have probably been the most overwhelming year since I was born but fuck, I survived.

I just hope for a much better 2008.

sugar rush

Can't sleep and I just finished the last episode of Sugar Rush and I already miss it. It's one of the best I've seen and I'm totally into girls now, or actually I'm into anything cute obviously since I made out with a nineteen year old sweet boy outside the petrolstation the other night. I was so happy and drunk and I'd seen him before and I really think he's cute so I just went to him and asked him if we should kiss and he said yes so I just kissed him (unfortunately he had left when we came out again but wtf).

I can feel some energy and happiness come back to me but I really have to make some amazing plans for this summer so I have something to think about when school fucks with me too much.
Right now I'm torn between stay home and put some serious effort into sail-racing and spend all my time out on the sea or go to London, get a shitty job, dance my ass of and go to Brighton and look out over the sea. It's a fucking hard decision.

back in the city

Back in Stockholm and for the first time I just wanted to stay out on the Island. I had such a good time out there with my family during christmas and I slept like a kitten, made some candy and just chilled and ate a lot of good stuff. I'm also half through with season 2 of Sugar Rush and I love it.

But I also have a good time here in the city. Yesterday me and my brother were out with Remus, Gurkan and Pajjen and had some beers and I really like them.

Hopefully G and my brother will get their lazy asses off to Uppsala and paint some nice things on my wardrobes. I have to move all my stuff this weekend and I'm not happy about it but I'll make my room as nice as possible so I at least will be happy in one little piece of my new evil hometown.

I actually feel really bad about going back there and to school, I don't want to study anymore and I don't want to go back and live there but I guess I really don't have a choice.

gone

Just found out that J went back to Brazil and probably will stay there for good. It feels like the end of the world but it's also a really big relief. It's definitely over forever and when he's not in London at all I can go back there and just be myself. He will not be there anymore and the ghost he is in my head will disappear faster when I know that the chance/risk to meet him when I go there is gone.

It feels weird but it's probably the best that could happen.

...

now that I'm alone I feel the lonely brokenness
of all the wicked avenues I've ever sold my love on
all these moments of meekness and trembling subsided
I'm the outright abandon of this orphan child
home is on the highway living on soft bread and solace
I guess I'm waiting for nightfall or a solar eclipse
and to wake up half empty only to be filled again with mourning
he's my evil shadow dove, my black Palamito
can't break him like a diamond skull, I can't seem to do so
can't just rob him out like the mob used to do so
like memories of porno and tearstains and tobacco
o it's a mini disastro bigger than the ice age
don't know if baby dinosaurs maybe could live through it
or Indians and butterflies what's crushed is my spirit
oh I fear it is too fragile like fall leaves burn like paper

I always knew I would spend a lot of time alone
no one would understand me
maybe I should go and live amongst the animals
spend all my time amongst the animals
and on the tracks I would go they lead to the sea
to be amongst the animals

oh I'm just a fall leaf something simple and shy lie that
that's how my heart lies down beside the sidewalk
like an empty restaurant filled with perfume and balloons
I sit and entertain the bisarro ghosts of my soul
his name still lingers maybe lactates on my tongue
perhaps I'm just teething for a foreign fallen destiny
miserable but mine, I look like his mother
or Sophia Loren in an old fashioned movie
slow motion I cling to my child desperate for love
one day soon my brother died, made me remember all the
subordinate feelings I cast aside
maybe I had lied when I said I was ok
just getting along like a little song that stops to sing and say
"wild willow, windy winter won't you blow through me my whole eternity"

I always knew I would spend a lot of time alone
no one would understand me
maybe I should go and live amongst the animals
spend all my time amongst the animals
and on the tracks I would go they lead to the sea
to be amongst the animals

cocorosie

soon...

Tomorrow I have my exam and I've already started to chill. I study, but not that hard and I have to go downtown to buy the last gifts now.

If I pass the exam I do and there's no point having a heartattack about it now. But I really want it to be tomorrow afternoon so I can start my christmas holiday.

I'll not read anything about biochemistry, I'll just watch tv-series, listen to all my lovely new music, be with friends and family and eat chocolate. Yeyyeyyeeey!

all work and no play makes me cry

I'm at work now and it's lovely and slow and noone calls so I can have coffee, read Nöjesguiden and just chill out.

Yesterday I was so sick and tired of school I almost cried and I felt like I had absolutely no energy left but then I went home, packed my things, studied a little bit and then went to Stockholm. Today and tomorrow I'll work and hang out with my family and some friends (god knows that haven't happened in a long time) and not even think about school.

I have felt really stressed out about the whole thing and this night I actually woke up from a nightmare about molecules and that is not ok! I hope that I'll be back on monday with some energy so I can study like hell and pass the exam next friday. And even if I don't pass it's not worth to make it if you are crying all the way.

promise

I'm so not inspired to study and learn things about cancer so I just drink tea, eat gingerbreads and have a smoke instead. Maybe I'll jinx myself and invite god to put an ctrl C on me but I don't care right now, I need something to keep me alive.

At least I have a new nice thing to long for - me and one of my best friends in school, Emma, are going to Edinburgh in february. We booked our flight yesterday and we're going there on somekind of annual International Vet School Competition. We'll ride their horses in some basic dressage and jumping and afterwards there is dinner and party.

I've never been to Scotland or Edinburgh so it's gonna be so much fun. I also hope to get a chance to do some serious networking that will help me to get a job in England this summer. Anyhow - it's good to do things abroad since I'll leave Sweden as soon as I get the opportunity.

Tonight I fell asleep on the couch, not good but my friend called and woke me up and we had some dinner and wine so at least I was outside the apartment once today. It was so nice to hang out with her, she's almost twice my age but still a real kick-ass girl. She's facing the same problem I've dealt with the last year but it's harder for her since she have kids and much more things to take care of. I encouraged her as much as I could and comforted her and said that it's fucking hard but still such a relief when you've done it.

And as my sister says "2007 is a bad year that I've given up on, I'll just wait for 2008 to come and it's better be a good one." I hope she's right.

movies & music

This is an order!

Go and see: The Golden Compass
I have never seen such an amazing fantasy-book actually become a movie almost as good as the original. It's almost better than "The Lord of the Rings" and I can't wait until the next one.






Buy/download/listen to:
Coco Rosie - The Adventures of Ghosthorse and Stillborn
I have loads of new and lovely music in my iTunes but this is almost the only thing I listen to right now.



Coco Rosie - Rainbow Warriors

up to date

Haven't been writing here for ages but I'm just too busy right now.

It's so much to do in school, we have our last exam next friday and I still haven't a clue about genetics or cancer. Spend most of my days with my notes or books but I feel kind of confident anyway, I think I can pass this one - I only need 60%.

I'm not gonna move to my room until after the exam and it feels good to be able to focus entirely on school the last weeks even if it's gonna be boring to move during the holidays. I totally look forward to christmas and it's gonna be amazing to have some totally lazy days out on the Island. It feels like I can't even remember when I was there the last time.

Btw, the date was good, he was nice, cute and interesting enough. Sent him an SMS maybe half a week after and asked if he had some free time to see me again and he still haven't answered so I guess not... I would say that people that don't even bother to answer calls or SMS should go and die.

I'm happy I'm not in love (and I would say that even if I sometimes still think about J it's more and more with nothing else but a slow and subtle sadness over that the person he showed me first don't exist in my life anymore).