saeglopur

And I try so hard to be happy but I really can't.

I had to go home and take care of the cats and the best and worst thing to do when you're on the edge is to drive alone when it's almost dark outside. I had this amazing moon on one side and the descending sunset on the other and a light mist and I drove by the airport and saw all those planes depart to places I want to go. And already in the car, miles from Uppsala, I started to cry and when I came home I pushed it away as long as I could by doing everyday stuff but it always comes back to you. It always does.

Sometimes I wonder if the thing I miss the most is someone to give all my love and feelings to. I haven't been in a situation like this for a long time. It's so strange to have all this love and things to tell inside of me that noone really wants or cares about. The problem is that it leaves me anyway and just vanish into nothing. I feels like my heart gets thinner and thinner untile there's nothing left of me and I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to make it come back to me or to replace with something that will help me survive.

I'm afraid I will perish and become totally empty and lost because even if I hate all those feelings I have now it's still better to have them than nothing. I won't let that happen, I won't let anyone take away such a big thing of me but I really don't know how to stop it and that really scares me.