requiem for a dream

I went back home to the apartment and everything was fine and then I watched this movie and now I can't stand anything.

Sometimes (or most of the time) I feel like I have this dark hole inside of me that noone can see or know about. Maybe it's my destructive youth or my former depressions that created it, who knows, but it feels like I have this split personality. One part of me is so strong and have this bright future and will do just fine but the other part just feels so fucked up that I really don't see any point in trying.

But the thing is that not many people know about this and not many people care. And I know I'll manage just fine by myself but I don't want to be alone. I want someone who want to share all the things in life with me and I want someone perfect. I still have to stop myself when I think that I should call him and tell him about the amazing things that happened. I think sharing is the thing I miss most about not being in a relationship.

Even if I know I can't be with H anymore it's still a huge hole in my heart were we used to be together and that hurts so much and I feel so lonely (in some ways I still love him so much). I just want things to be good and wonderful like they were back then. I just wanna be happy and satisfied with the times that were but I'm not and I'm so sad for that.

And I still miss J in so many ways that it tears me apart and even if I know I won't give him more energy he's still in my head and heart and drains me. I hate that and I hate everything about it and sometimes I really wish I had never met him.
And sometimes I just want it back, I just want to be in the sun in Brighton, looking out over the sea and share it with someone that loves it as much as I do.

Sometimes I feel like I will never be happily in love again and that scares me more than anything.