I wish I wasn't mad anymore

I really don't know what to do with myself. I'm having one of those horrible days when J is inside me all the time and just fucksfucksfucks me up.

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's ok and sometimes I really don't care but I still have times like this. Some people tell me that it was just a fling and that we never really knew each other and I guess that's a way you can look at it but why is it so hard then? Why can't I just forget about everything and go on with my life?

And at the same time I'm so pissed off with myself that I just couldn't be happy with H. He is the fucking best and I just wished that I loved him madly but I don't and we can't be together until death do us apart because it's not perfect and then it's not fair.

So I just sit outside my parents house on the Island, smoking and maybe crying a bit, watching the bright stars in the sky and think about the same thing I've been thinking about a long time now.

And I hate it because noone can tell me why life's like shit a lot nowadays.