better be

And slowly I start to get sad and I feel so bad I almost can't handle it but after sushi, chocolate, coffe (and of course some more cigarettes) with SL while we're watching "Little miss sunshine" it's almost good again. It was a really nice and peppy movie.

I have to do all the good things again and again and again so that I don't forget how to be happy. I've started to feel like I put myself on hold and that I really don't know what to do any more. I have fixed all those practical things but I have to care about my heart too and it really is broken and I have to heal it by becoming the amazing me I know that's trapped inside right now. It's no use to keep it that way and it's no use for me not to fight and be myself. After a while I'll realise that J and all the things that are connected with him in my head will fade away and be nothing.

And I'm gonna be everything and it better be good.