my lovely lifesavers

I really had an amazing weekend and mostly because of the lovely trio Amanda, Emma and Martin. I spent a lot of time with them and it was massive partying, coffe-drinking, candy-eating and chilling.

I think I spent most of my hours with Martin since I slept at his place two nights and he at mine one night. He's one of my best classmates and a really lovely and cozy person and the fact that he's gay makes it easier to cuddle a lot without second thoughts. I totally need someone like him right now and hopefully he need me too so that we can become great friends.
Even though I know that I like him a lot and that he likes me and we talked a little about relations and how we are I'm still afraid that he'll leave me in some way. I've always had this fear of being abandoned and I know it's a fucked-up thing from my childhood but it's still there, deep down in my subconscius and everytime I meet a new person that I really like I have to fight it. And it's not like J made it better.
I've realised this weekend that I'm much more careful with my feelings and to let people come close. I hate it but I have put up somekind of pro- tection and it makes everything even harder. I wish I was totally sure about everything but I'm not and when I really like people I also really care what they think and that makes me feel like an uncertain little girl again. Fuck what, I hate it.

And speaking of J, everything felt better with that whole issue and I started to feel fine about it when he suddenly called this saturday. I didn't saw who it was and just answered and I couldn't hear anything but people talking for a minute and checked the number and felt like shit when I realised it was him and then he suddenly came to the phone and we talked for a bit and he said that his phone must have redialed my number by mistake or something.
It was all very strange and I don't know what to think about it but now I'm back at square (at least) three and I don't really like it.

And today our new course in biomedicine started and it was a really flying start so now we got no time to take it easy anymore. Now we also know how we'll feel for 5,5 years. It's one weekend of calmness and then just loads of new stuff to put in our heads.

I think Amanda, Emma and Martin will be my lifesavers in vet-school and I hope that I have the energy to be theirs.