the end of an era

I've decided to stop writing here, I think I'll write more somewhere else but more secretly. I don't want this page anymore and I'll copy, read and delete it soon.

To be honest I don't think anyone reads this anymore but if you are, good bye.

?

You knew that the thing I was most afraid of was that you would leave me. So why did you tell me you wouldn't while you were thinking about it?

sometimes when I have no words, I let others speak for me

.
I cut your nails and comb your hair
I carry you down the stairs
I wanted to see right through from the other side
I wanted to walk a trail with no end in sight

the moment we believe that we have never met
another kind of love it's easy to forget
when we are all alone then we do both agree
we have a thing in common this was meant to be

you close my eyes and soothe my ears
you heal my wounds and dry my tears
on the inside of this marble house I grow
and the seeds I sow will grow up prisoners too

the moment we believe that we have never met
another kind of love it's easy to forget
when we are all alone then we do both agree
we have a thing in common this was meant to be

now where's your shoulder
what is it's name
what's your scent
say it again
if it goes faster can you still follow me
it must be safe when it's on TV

I raise my hands to heaven of curiosity
I don't know what to ask for
what has it got for me?
the others say we're hiding
it's as forward as can be
some things I do for money
some things I do for free


the knife

I'm so happy I could die, that I got you...

Sometimes I get kind of amazed of how life is and how things turn out to be. I haven't wrote anything here for a long time. I haven't had the time and energy. I've just been struggling to cope with my everyday life, my exams, my different homes and all the feelings I've had for the boy mentioned in the last entry.

It turned out to be good. We definitively have had some ups and downs along the way but still, it worked out fine, it actually did. I don't believe in love forever anymore and sometimes I'm just totally scared but it's all ok and that is what matters.

And I can't get over that feeling of wonder that I get everytime I meet an amazing person who let me into their life and give me a part of themself. It's small things that just makes everything silent and still and gives me somekind of peaceful happiness and satisfaction. I really love that feeling and I hope that things like this will happen to me my whole life. The love and things I've given and received from the people who have entered my life the last year is such a gift and I'm so grateful for all amazing people around me. You are truly loved.

lovely morning

Had an amazing morning. Woke up with a bunch of friends and a cute boy and had one of those really nice breakfasts you dream about. Tea, juice, fruit salad, fresh bread and so on. We sat all over Snörets place and ate, talked and smoked. I really like my friends and family.

Had to go to work but I actually skipped the first hours and came in late. Not good for the record but god how nice for me. And now I sit here with my phone and computer and make money. I'm gonna have some coffee and a cigarette soon and think about how lucky I am at this moment.

no time for writing

Lot of things happen right now and it's too sunny to sit inside by my applegirl so I spend my days out in the grass with ice-coffee and friends.

And things in London looks good, I may have a nice place to stay and maybe even som chances to work as a vet-nurse. I just have to pass the small exam that qualify me for the work here in Sweden.

rant

Gud, blir så trött på den där Hanna Fridén! Man ser henne överallt hela tiden, och i onsdagens Metro så var det en ny artikel om att hon bytt över till Metrobloggen. För att säkra sina siffror så har hon nu utlyst en skitfjantig tävling där man kan vinna en ful jävla t-shirt som hon skrivit bajs på en massa gånger. Jag fattar inte grejen! Ett dagisbarn kan rita bättre än så, och har bättre humor! Och vad är grejen med allt bajssnack egentligen? Tror hon att hon är häftig och provocerande eller något? Nä, fyfan, fattar verkligen inte hypen kring Fridén.

God, I'm sick and tired of this Hanna Fridén! You see her everywhere, all the time and in this wednesdays "metro" it was an article about her switching over to their ****-site. To make sure people will visit her new site she now runs this shitty, ridiculous competition where you can win a ugly fucking t-shirt on which she've written poo-poo on a lot. I don't get it! A kid can do a better painting and they have much better humour. And what's up with all the talk about poop? Does she think it provoces anyone? No, fuck this shit, I really don't get the whole hype-thing around Fridén.


read more here

calm again

For the first time in months I don't feel completely stressed out by school which feels so good. Yesterday was all afternoon in the sun with coffee and cigarettes and my lovely friends. We didn't even had anything to study since we only have had one lecture about nothing and something goatish.

Today it's all the same, I'm in beloved Stockholm, hanging out in Snöret's apartment. I've cleaned a bit and now I drink ice-coffee, smoke and read some *****. Life's back to normal.

gallons of coffee and dead animals

Now I've spent the last three days at "Asis", it's the building in school where we cut up dead animals and learn about practical anatomy. It could have been hell since we have to learn so many things but my friends in class are amazing. I love them so much and they've made it all to a long nice hang-out with a lot of dead animals but also a lot of coffee in the sun, millions of cigarettes and sweet things to eat.

And we all passed the practical exam - we're so fucking good!

latte and relief

I had latte with Shirley today and it was lovely to see her, as always. And, as always, she was a bit heartbroken but this time I think it'll work out fine. It seems like she met someone who's nice and like her and whom she can cope with.

And yesterday I was at the vet-clinic where my friend Caroline works and it was so much fun. I learned a lot and most important, she thaught me how to give injections and how to put a permanent needle into a dog-leg. Fun, fun, fun - I love sticking needles in animals hahaha.

Also, on my way home from the clinic I might have gotten the best news of the spring. I actually passed my big exam in physiology with four points! I'm so happy I don't have to redo it that I don't know what to do. I'm so relieved.

waste of space

I haven't been in my dorm-room for ages but I had to go there yesterday to clean the kitchen and whatever. It feels kind of pointless to do it when you haven't been around but wtf.

Came back tonight though 'cause I'd invited my friend Robert over so he could see the place. We had loads of coffee and cookies and a really good time and he liked what I'd done to the place. The thing is that I really like it too but there's still something that makes me feel like I don't want to be here.

I had spent some days in C's apartment where I lived when I moved to Uppsala and I like it much better there. I don't know if it's the area, the building or maybe just the town that make me feel a little bit uneasy all the time. I'll have to figure it out and change it until after the summer.

I'm in love with myself

I love this sun. Even if it's a bit windy today it's still kind of warm in the sunshine. I drink coffee outside work and smoke menthol cigarettes.

It reminds me a lot about last year when everything was horrible and wonderful at the same time. It reminds me of J and the fact that it was a year ago I met him and he secretly started to fuck me around.

And I think about how it was such a relief to come back to London now without the risk to accidently bump into him. I think I'm more or less over him and the happiness in that feeling is like being in love.

The sad thing is that when I don't feel that much about J anymore I feel kind of stupid for giving it all up for him but still, I also remember how it felt back then and how it was so much in my heart that it'll almost stopped. And I can't believe I misjudged him so much when he turned out to be so freakish. I guess I was naive and somehow I like myself for that.

première in the window

I really hope spring has arrived for good this time. It's so nice that's finally a wee bit warm and that you can enjoy all your coffee outside in the sun.

Today it was the first time we could sit in the sun in the window in Snöret's apartment and have a proper coffee. We smoked and talked and she questioned me about some osteology-stuff I have to learn for school. And we also played our game "you-have-to-choose-somone-to-fuck-that-just-went-off-the-bus" and that can be amazingly fun sometimes.

spring

I sit in the sun with my friends from school and drink after-lunch-coffee. I feared a big come-down when I came home but until now it have been alright. I just have to start up my study-part so that I don't fuck it up again.

I'm so grateful for my friends, they're my only hope in the evil town of Uppsala. And even if I miss London I still feel good sitting here in the sun, talking with my friends and enjoying life.

latte in earl's court

I drink latte all the way if I can, I really like that.

Met up with my sister who's back from Spain just in time for our flight back home. Had some latte and a pizza at a restaurant in Earl's Court and I got the chance to hang out a bit with her date who seem to be really nice. And she had a good time and likes him a lot so I hope it all turns out to the best.

And maybe I've sorted out a place to live this summer. Asked Jessica if I could stay at her place for a while and if we could share her room. I'll only stay for a month or two and it's such an effort to find a place of your own and I really like the apartment she lives in. And it'll give us both a lower rent for a while. If it's just ok with her flatmates I guess it's a deal. Yey!

afternoon tea

The coffee today became afternoon tea instead and we had some home-made cakes and lovely company by some of Jessica's friends. I'd met so many nice people this weekend and most of Jess' friends are for real and sometimes that's hard to find in London between all kisses and smiles.

evening coffee

Jess have this little italian coffepot that makes really good coffee and it's the perfect size for two small cups if you share. Had it after dinner tonight cause I slept all day and just went up for a bit of breakfast. Came home around 8:00 this morning after TT, a good afterparty and a lovely walk of shame in the sun.

Peter played one of my favourites the last thing he did at TT yesterday and it was all this dancing and amazing people and sweet candy. Lovlovelove!

latte@1001

It's really springish here in London and today it was warm and sunny. Drank latte with Remus at 1001 on Brick Lane. He's really nice and kind of different from everyone else I know here (but in a good way).

I just love to be back.

it's just too expensive

Waited to board our flight from Arlanda and had their weak and utterly expensive coffee. My sister had a beer instead since she was kind of nervous to meet her date. Felt good but a bit tense because of the flight and maybe we were both on the same level.

But it all went well. He waited for her at Heathrow and when I'd made sure everything was fine and that he had no intentions to sell her to slavery I hit the underground and went to Jessica's place for some tea and a good nights sleep.

short update, coffee's soon back

Oh, I'm so lost. Have had loads of coffee but no time to write here for ages. Was sick, went out to the Island, skipped school a lot, studied a wee bit, tried my best but I wasn't really in the mood.

Results: kicked ass with the microscope, passed the histology exam but most likely failed my big physiology exam. But to be honest, I really don't deserve to pass it, I know nothing about the physiology of our domestic animals so it would probably be good for me to redo it. Moment of truth: april 10th.

Now I have spring break because it's easter and today I'm working. Tonight it's the Island again and some days of rest and nice time despite the ice age that now have come to the archipelago.

And on wednesday: London again and this time I'm going with my sister who's visiting her Goa-date (and we all hope she's having more luck with London boys than I had). Ohh, and I can't wait to get trashed, meet my friends and dance all night long. It's gonna be amazing!