the theme

Now I picked a theme. Since I can't steal my brothers breakfast-thing I choosed another one, similar but still good. I'm gonna write about my coffee of the day. I drink coffee in some form almost everyday in so I think it's a good one and if it isn't coffe it's something like it.

I can start with telling you about my best cup of chocolate in Edinburgh. Me and Emma found this amazing little french café near the Circus Place and they made the best chocolate I've drank in all times. We also had some nice soup and after that we sat outside in the springish sun and had a cigarette. Emma smoked too since she was on vacation and we both enjoyed it big time. Edinburgh was a lovely city with some nice shopping, a lot of good cafés and clubs.

I can also tell you about my not so nice cup of tea when I came home, checked my facebook and realised that J finally had confirmed my pending friend-request (about three months too late). I don't know what his problem is but it's like he just can't let me go away in peace.
I was so relieved knowing that he was on the other side of the Atlantic and that he never would fuck with me again but then he's not only making me a friend on face-book, it seems like he's coming back to Europe as well. Why can't he just stay in Brazil and have a shitty life with his bitchy ex and leave my hair alone?'
My only comfort regarding this is that it feels like I won a small but sweet victory and that this won't be enough. If he want me as anything he better put in much more serious effort than just confirming me as a friend.

off we go

The beginning of the week have had it's ups and downs. I actually managed to study a bit on Monday and it was a sunny day with a hint of spring in the air so life wasn't all miserable. Yesterday I jumped my friends horse and got some practice for the competition on Saturday and was out a quickie on the Island to pick up some stuff. Also met up with my lovely little sister and we talked a bit about our trip to London. It's gonna be fun.

Today I was all flimsy in school, slept during lecture and sat in the sun and had coffee and cigarettes with my friends. It was a good day but I didn't study at all. And now it's an hour left until we go to the airport to head off for Edinburgh. Both me and E are kind of excited about the whole thing so I really hope it's gonna be a good trip. I'm coming back on Sunday and when come back to school on Monday it's exactly four weeks left until our next exam so then it's gonna be no more slacking. Hopefully our little vacation will give us some energy and motivation back.

boring fuck

I feel scattered as I always do nowadays and I pretend that I don't have to go to school and study like a mf tomorrow by staying in Stockholm tonight. Now I drink some tea and smoke while I wait for Snöret to come home from work.

I'm just sick and tired with everything right now. I know I have to really make an effort in school because my exam (as my sister reminded me of today) is only six weeks away but I just don't know how to get the will and energy. I'm even fed up with all my friends and probably most fed up with myself and I really don't want anything anymore.

And my theme goes to hell since I can't come up with something better than my brothers breakfast-thing and he wants to keep it all for himself so I don't really know what to write. I don't wanna write here just when I need to whine about how pissed/sad/out of energy I am, I need to this site to something nice and interesting that could be more of a diary than it is now. Today it's just a diary of my bad days and I want the good ones here too.

theme

I'm thinking about a theme for my ****. I really like to write here but all my posts are just scattered, random and I need something to write about that put it all together. I've been thinking about doing the photo thing but it's too much work and I think it could be too personal, I don't want to show things in my life too much. I'm even a little bit worried about putting out a pic of myself but it's not that obvious who it is so I'll give it a try.

Maybe I should steal my brothers old ****-theme, breakfast. He had an amazing **** last year and wrote about his breakfast and at that time he was in London and we didn't talk that much so you kind of knew what he was doing by reading about his breakfast. I really liked it and it's a shame he don't do that anymore (or maybe good if he'll let me steal the theme).

hatehatehate and killkillkill

I don't know what's wrong with me, all day I've been pissed about almost everything so I actually left in the middle of my last class just to go home and just don't be around people. I'm even irritated at my friends that normally are the people who keeps me going.

I have no energy, no motivation whatsoever (despite me going to London and everything) and I really need to study, I can't do this so much longer, it will come back and fuck me around, I know this and still I don't know what to do about it.

My only comfort is smoking and I was suppose to give that up ffs! And I eat bad things even if I shouldn't. I really wanna loose some weight so I try not to eat fucking cookies all the time but it's hard and weirdly enough I rather smoke than eating something sweet. And Amy and Emmy are all about how they have to work out and get thin and it fucks me up even if I don't want to, I mean, they aren't even half as fat as I am. Ok, I know I'm definitely not fat but compared to them I have some more kilos to loose and I fucking hate to work out. I have to find a way to train myself that isn't boring like hell. I'm even thinking about a hint of anorectic living but when I'm hungry I get so angry that you don't even wanna be near me.

I hate everything today and I think that the thing I hate the most is that I hate everything. Fuck it, I'm gonna smoke some more and do nothing useful and go to bed too late. I mean, right now it feels like there really isn't a point with anything.

mixmaxmjaupaw

Oh, what I should have studied tonight but my computer is almost back after the horrible tea-party* so I had to celebrate with some internet-updates. And right now it feels like I already know some of the things we are reading about and I passed the first exam so I'm not that motivated.

And I booked a flight to London which means I have to study like a mf until spring-break (or at least that was the deal I made with myself). I'm going there for a long weekend int the end of march and then it's almost a year since I went there for the first time, I wonder what that means?

Today I was so low I almost felt sick and we had to cut up male animal-genitals, not the dream, so I just went away, sat down anywhere and had a cigarette instead. Don't know but I feel strangely empty/sad-but-not-depressed/out-of-energy. I need to find a way to regain my strength.

And I also wished I had one of those funny and up-dated ***** that people read all the time and love but I guess I can't write all the time about everything and when I really feel like I need to write it's beause I'm not that happy or need to get something out of my head.
And most of the time I'm so brilliant with my friends that I don't have anything left for this site.



*At least a half cup of tea all over her, after 48 hour on a towel she's working but still have somekind of light shades in the LCD on her right side.

last weekend

Still in no mood for studying and I haven't even looked at the EKG-thing we're doing tomorrow but I've had coffee with a friend, looked after C's cats and talked to Jessica by skype since I don't have any batteries left on my cell. We planned a trip for me to London in late march and I don't really got the money but I just have to go. With a booked flight I just know that my energy will come back.

I'm off to Sthlm tomorrow, we're going out with some people in my class and I'm worried I really gonna need a plan B to be able to flee because there are some serious freaky elements that are joining us. I'm not even sure I wanna be seen out on the street with some of them but wtf, maybe it'll be nice. We're going to this electro club and it sounds promising but it'll be hard to beat last weekend.

Last friday I first met a lot of nice people on a party, got wasted on some amsterdam-shit so Sebastian had to follow me home and then on saturday I was at Tech-Noir in my amazing pink lashes and met this cute english guy who turned out to be a member of Sisters of Mercy. We went to an after-party and I had a really good time but it's a fucking shame that the only real good-looking man you meet is a damn rock-star that you really can't do anything with if you don't wanna feel like a groupie.

back for a while

I guess I'm back for a while. So fucking sick of school that the only thing I've done this week is staying up far too late and falling asleep in school. I'm sick of U-town but love my room more and more. It's the place to be if you have to be here and with my pink bed-wall, new table and lovely scented candle from muji it's soo nice.

But I just can't motivate myself to study or even care about school right now and since I've got next exam in march there isn't really anything to push me either. I just don't wanna be here in this boring town wasting my life away looking at histology pics of respiratory organs. I'm dying of boredom...

J is more or less out of my head now and I now feel entirely good about the fact that his so far away I never will see him again. Hopefully I'll have enough money to go to London during spring-break and for once just focus on having a good time dancing my ass and head off. And I think I've decided to go there this summer, I have to go away and do some nice things that have nothing to do with school or anything here.

Don't know when I'll write here next time. I need it in a way but most of the time I'm just to busy to take care of my head and even if I know I have to I just can't find the time and peace.

pause

It's an good year so far. I really am more creative nowadays and I have much more fun. What I haven't had is time to write here but be patient, it's been less than a month and I'm still adjusting to my new life. I'll be back eventually and then I hope it's good.

Until then I'll listen to this:



...and watch this:

more creative

I'm at work and soon I'll be out on the Island but first I have to leave the keys in our old apartment (ooouuuääää) and sit on the bus for an hour (zzz).

Had a really slow night yesterday but still overslept (fucketifuck) and I have a cold and feel really tired but I'm also kind of happy.
Been reading a lot of ***** and other things today (have been a slow day) and I got some inspiration. I'll try to make my **** a little bit more interesting too, not only whine about being sad or empty.

I don't like to promise things on new year but I try to be much more creative in 2008 and really take some time off the boring school and just reinvent me and myself. I'll try to be even more of a fuck-up this year but a damn happy one with a lot of colours all over.

happy new year

So, it's new years eve and I'm in my 2nd home in Stockholm all by myself. And still, it feels good.
Didn't get much sleep last night and I've been working all day so I'll probably fall asleep before midnight but I don't really care. NYE isn't that important to me and I have some bailey's ice cream, a drink, loads of cigarettes and Skins season 1 on my computer. If I just had a joint my live would be fulfilled.

I guess I should write something about the past year but so many things happened that I don't even know were to start. It have probably been the most overwhelming year since I was born but fuck, I survived.

I just hope for a much better 2008.

sugar rush

Can't sleep and I just finished the last episode of Sugar Rush and I already miss it. It's one of the best I've seen and I'm totally into girls now, or actually I'm into anything cute obviously since I made out with a nineteen year old sweet boy outside the petrolstation the other night. I was so happy and drunk and I'd seen him before and I really think he's cute so I just went to him and asked him if we should kiss and he said yes so I just kissed him (unfortunately he had left when we came out again but wtf).

I can feel some energy and happiness come back to me but I really have to make some amazing plans for this summer so I have something to think about when school fucks with me too much.
Right now I'm torn between stay home and put some serious effort into sail-racing and spend all my time out on the sea or go to London, get a shitty job, dance my ass of and go to Brighton and look out over the sea. It's a fucking hard decision.

back in the city

Back in Stockholm and for the first time I just wanted to stay out on the Island. I had such a good time out there with my family during christmas and I slept like a kitten, made some candy and just chilled and ate a lot of good stuff. I'm also half through with season 2 of Sugar Rush and I love it.

But I also have a good time here in the city. Yesterday me and my brother were out with Remus, Gurkan and Pajjen and had some beers and I really like them.

Hopefully G and my brother will get their lazy asses off to Uppsala and paint some nice things on my wardrobes. I have to move all my stuff this weekend and I'm not happy about it but I'll make my room as nice as possible so I at least will be happy in one little piece of my new evil hometown.

I actually feel really bad about going back there and to school, I don't want to study anymore and I don't want to go back and live there but I guess I really don't have a choice.

gone

Just found out that J went back to Brazil and probably will stay there for good. It feels like the end of the world but it's also a really big relief. It's definitely over forever and when he's not in London at all I can go back there and just be myself. He will not be there anymore and the ghost he is in my head will disappear faster when I know that the chance/risk to meet him when I go there is gone.

It feels weird but it's probably the best that could happen.

...

now that I'm alone I feel the lonely brokenness
of all the wicked avenues I've ever sold my love on
all these moments of meekness and trembling subsided
I'm the outright abandon of this orphan child
home is on the highway living on soft bread and solace
I guess I'm waiting for nightfall or a solar eclipse
and to wake up half empty only to be filled again with mourning
he's my evil shadow dove, my black Palamito
can't break him like a diamond skull, I can't seem to do so
can't just rob him out like the mob used to do so
like memories of porno and tearstains and tobacco
o it's a mini disastro bigger than the ice age
don't know if baby dinosaurs maybe could live through it
or Indians and butterflies what's crushed is my spirit
oh I fear it is too fragile like fall leaves burn like paper

I always knew I would spend a lot of time alone
no one would understand me
maybe I should go and live amongst the animals
spend all my time amongst the animals
and on the tracks I would go they lead to the sea
to be amongst the animals

oh I'm just a fall leaf something simple and shy lie that
that's how my heart lies down beside the sidewalk
like an empty restaurant filled with perfume and balloons
I sit and entertain the bisarro ghosts of my soul
his name still lingers maybe lactates on my tongue
perhaps I'm just teething for a foreign fallen destiny
miserable but mine, I look like his mother
or Sophia Loren in an old fashioned movie
slow motion I cling to my child desperate for love
one day soon my brother died, made me remember all the
subordinate feelings I cast aside
maybe I had lied when I said I was ok
just getting along like a little song that stops to sing and say
"wild willow, windy winter won't you blow through me my whole eternity"

I always knew I would spend a lot of time alone
no one would understand me
maybe I should go and live amongst the animals
spend all my time amongst the animals
and on the tracks I would go they lead to the sea
to be amongst the animals

cocorosie

soon...

Tomorrow I have my exam and I've already started to chill. I study, but not that hard and I have to go downtown to buy the last gifts now.

If I pass the exam I do and there's no point having a heartattack about it now. But I really want it to be tomorrow afternoon so I can start my christmas holiday.

I'll not read anything about biochemistry, I'll just watch tv-series, listen to all my lovely new music, be with friends and family and eat chocolate. Yeyyeyyeeey!

all work and no play makes me cry

I'm at work now and it's lovely and slow and noone calls so I can have coffee, read Nöjesguiden and just chill out.

Yesterday I was so sick and tired of school I almost cried and I felt like I had absolutely no energy left but then I went home, packed my things, studied a little bit and then went to Stockholm. Today and tomorrow I'll work and hang out with my family and some friends (god knows that haven't happened in a long time) and not even think about school.

I have felt really stressed out about the whole thing and this night I actually woke up from a nightmare about molecules and that is not ok! I hope that I'll be back on monday with some energy so I can study like hell and pass the exam next friday. And even if I don't pass it's not worth to make it if you are crying all the way.

promise

I'm so not inspired to study and learn things about cancer so I just drink tea, eat gingerbreads and have a smoke instead. Maybe I'll jinx myself and invite god to put an ctrl C on me but I don't care right now, I need something to keep me alive.

At least I have a new nice thing to long for - me and one of my best friends in school, Emma, are going to Edinburgh in february. We booked our flight yesterday and we're going there on somekind of annual International Vet School Competition. We'll ride their horses in some basic dressage and jumping and afterwards there is dinner and party.

I've never been to Scotland or Edinburgh so it's gonna be so much fun. I also hope to get a chance to do some serious networking that will help me to get a job in England this summer. Anyhow - it's good to do things abroad since I'll leave Sweden as soon as I get the opportunity.

Tonight I fell asleep on the couch, not good but my friend called and woke me up and we had some dinner and wine so at least I was outside the apartment once today. It was so nice to hang out with her, she's almost twice my age but still a real kick-ass girl. She's facing the same problem I've dealt with the last year but it's harder for her since she have kids and much more things to take care of. I encouraged her as much as I could and comforted her and said that it's fucking hard but still such a relief when you've done it.

And as my sister says "2007 is a bad year that I've given up on, I'll just wait for 2008 to come and it's better be a good one." I hope she's right.

movies & music

This is an order!

Go and see: The Golden Compass
I have never seen such an amazing fantasy-book actually become a movie almost as good as the original. It's almost better than "The Lord of the Rings" and I can't wait until the next one.






Buy/download/listen to:
Coco Rosie - The Adventures of Ghosthorse and Stillborn
I have loads of new and lovely music in my iTunes but this is almost the only thing I listen to right now.



Coco Rosie - Rainbow Warriors

up to date

Haven't been writing here for ages but I'm just too busy right now.

It's so much to do in school, we have our last exam next friday and I still haven't a clue about genetics or cancer. Spend most of my days with my notes or books but I feel kind of confident anyway, I think I can pass this one - I only need 60%.

I'm not gonna move to my room until after the exam and it feels good to be able to focus entirely on school the last weeks even if it's gonna be boring to move during the holidays. I totally look forward to christmas and it's gonna be amazing to have some totally lazy days out on the Island. It feels like I can't even remember when I was there the last time.

Btw, the date was good, he was nice, cute and interesting enough. Sent him an SMS maybe half a week after and asked if he had some free time to see me again and he still haven't answered so I guess not... I would say that people that don't even bother to answer calls or SMS should go and die.

I'm happy I'm not in love (and I would say that even if I sometimes still think about J it's more and more with nothing else but a slow and subtle sadness over that the person he showed me first don't exist in my life anymore).