a french love

And you think it's over, that it's ok and that you can handle it. And then you get caught and it's like you can't breathe.

And you realise it's pretty fucking far from ok.

room with a view

Now I've got my own room but aren't really happy anyway. It seemed like a strange house yesterday when we were there trying to check it out but hopefully I'm just paranoid and everything will work out fine. I'm moving in there next month and finally I have more or less my own little home here in Uppsala.

Point of no return (at least until next summer).

from my subconscious

I have so much sadness inside me and it always gives me an overflow when I have had a nice couple of days. I'm so lucky and grateful for most of the things in my life but still I have those moments when my heart gets all empty.

Don't know why but if two and a half years of therapy and a lot of experience and practice don't make it go away I think it's gonna be there for the rest of my life. And I never really get used to it.

I had a back-up (yey)

I thought that I had lost everything when Lyra's first daemon died but luckily I was wrong. Snöret hadn't erased the files I saved on her computer so I only lost two months of pictures. Now I'm at her place and I'll do a Lyra-rehab, transfer my files and copy her iTunes.

It made my life much more easy.

against the flow

It only took a couple of days to get my dear apple-girl back but I had to pay 2000 SEK just to realise when I came home that it's still trashed so now I have to bring it to the store again. And they couldn't save anything on the old disk, everything is gone but hopefully Snöret's got some of my photos stored on her apple so I'm not devastated anymore.

So, I haven't really been in a computer mood this week. The thought of building up my iTunes to it's former grace just makes me wanna die and some fucker with 2000 days took the room from me and I have no money left even though I got them today just because all the things I had to pay.

My life is not a flow of diamonds right now but I guess I'll manage. And I find comfort in the fact that I'm going to Stockholm tomorrow to make myself up and show M my beloved city, friends and family.

And obviously some people think I don't like anyone in my class but that's not true, I like some of them and some of them I even love. I'm not all bad you know. Just sometimes.

please get well, sweet little apple-girl

Still haven't left M's place, been here since friday but today I have to go to Stockholm because I'm working tomorrow.

Things are a bit slow after the weekend. Had a marvelous friday night with the entourage and fell in love with amazing Kristina in my class. She's the best and if I move to the room we can have tea all the time since she's living in the same hood. And today I said yes to that room so we'll see tomorrow what happens.

Yesterday it was just dinner but wine and going to bed late killed the cat. A moment ago I flooded M's bathroom when I took a shower and my stomach feels like a black hole so now it's food and travelling on the schedule.

It's a grey an melancholic day and the fact that my lovely apple-girl probably suffers from a big harddisk meltdown doesn't help. It'll cost me at least a London-trip to fix and to save all the things on my old hard disk and I won't get it back in two or three weeks . I'm lost without her and I don't know how to cope with things alone (but to be honest it's probably good for me with a facebook detox).

But still, I feel alright.

J isn't the ghost he used to be, my entourage gives me love and cuddling and I'm starting to get used to the thought of me and H having separate lives. It's ok and I like the fact that M really don't care if you're all cheerios. He's a bit like me and it's nice to just hang out with people like that. I told hime yesterday that he's one of the best things with vet-school and I can't highlight enough how true it is.

my worst nightmare

I haven't been home that much and some days ago my lovely apple-book broke somehow and now I'm devastated. I'm gonna go to the doctor with her this afternoon and I hope nothing is seriously wrong. Both for her sake and for mine - I don't have a security back-up for anything and we talk one year of perfectly built iTunes, photos from the last two years and a whole lot more.
Please, please let her be ok.

So that's why I've been a boring fuck and haven't wrote anything interesting for a week. The week started off bad and I didn't want to do anything (as you can tell) but now it's become better and better. I'm more or less back on track and studied a lot yesterday. I also did some practical training in the university's small animal hospital this week and it was really nice and interesting (and I can't wait until my five year here is done and I can work as a vet).

And now I also got an offer to rent a room for students and it's in a really nice neighbourhood with old houses, lovely gardens and it's kind of near the center of the town. I think I want it and I'm second in the line for it so I've a good chance to get it but we'll see. I have to decide before sunday but I'm pretty sure I'll say yes.
It's gonna be so sad not to live with Cissi anymore but also a little bit nice to have a place of your own. The only bad about the room is that you have to share kitchen and bathrooms with five others but hopefully I'll manage.

But now I have to clean my part of the apartment, take a shower and wash my hair, pack some things and go with my comuputer to the doctor before I go home to M with my vet-entourage and get drunk as a cat.

yawn

I'm so tired and it's only monday. I don't wanna go to school, don't wanna do anything...

up & running

Have been up and running since monday, mostly studying and eating amazing dinners with M.E.A, my fabulous entourage from vet-school. Went to my therapist on tuesday which was really what I needed and I also rebooked her in three weeks.

I really like writing here but sometimes school fucks with me so much I really don't have the time. And this weekend it's the Island that is the shit. Me and my brother with more or less frekvent partners a.k.a. the kids are all going out there to help the old parents to clean out the attic. Could also be really nice with some silence.

And as usual it's too late and my head is spinning so now it's just over and out and the bed.

maybe I could be yours, maybe you could be mine

I try to keep busy and try to spend time with friends because then I won't have to think about myself and how I feel. Everytime I have time to stand still I just feel sad. I know it's ok and I know it's been worse before and I know it'll be better eventually but it's still so hard.

I'm so sad because I realise that nothing really changes. I am the one I am and no matter how hard I try I'm still a person with a lot of feelings and when the bad ones hit me it's not ok, not at all. It has become easier to cope with and I know myself so much better now but still, why can't it just leave me alone?

I'm also so sad for losing and leaving the love in my life because now it's much harder since I'm all by my own. And I won't find anyone to be with until I'm over H an J and god knows how long that will take. I hate being alone even if some may say that it's good for me. But I don't see the point in spending my days alone when there must be someone out there that wants to share things with me.

confession and comfort

Sometimes people ask me why I write here and often I tell them it's like a nicer diary. And they question me and blame me for being exhibitio- nal and maybe I am. But I really like to see my words published on this site, I like the way it looks and before, when my diary was a book and I had to write things down by hand, I just got bored after a while and stopped. This **** is the first diary that I've continued writing for a long time since the age of fifteen.

I know not many people are reading this and to be honest I don't really care. Especially not if my friends are because I've realised that the more people you know that read what you write, the more you have to think about what you write. And you start to censor your thoughts and words. I try not to do that even if I know that people I know read it but it's difficult. You want people to read but you don't want to care about them.
Maybe that's also a reason to write in english, you can get readers from all over the world and then the chance that they'll know who you are is smaller. And more people can find it interesting.

I guess I'm also writing here because I hope I'm not totally alone and that there are other people who think about and feel the same things as I do. And that they find some kind of comfort in or enjoy my posts. If only one person read this site and feel like he or she isn't alone anymore it's worth it.

Because that's exactly why I read what other people are writing. I want to know that I'm not alone and that I'm not lost in this world of every- thing. I find comfort and joy in reading what other people think about life or whatever. And it helps me through my own life.

useless

Ohh, I'm not doing anything that actually makes sense. Should have studied but didn't. I just feed my addiction to facebook and drink coffe with friends. And spend my savings on shit.

Fuckfuckfuck, I'm so useless right now.

obsession

Jessica was supposed to come and visit us this weekend but she missed her flight. I really miss her and London and I also just found out that Peter, one really nice ex-boyfriend is living there now. And also, I need some proper clubbing.

It made me obsessed with finding a cheap no-ryan-air-ever-again-flight to London before Christmas.

I find comfort in facebook

Yesterday I had one of those times out when you wonder why you bothered at all.

Shirley came by Snöret's place and we had some drinks and smokes, got a little wasted, went to Esque where the music was amazing and the people wasn't and it was still quite early so we left. Shirley just had her mind set on Spy bar so I just had to follow her since she had the cash and it was boring fucks from start. And no good music or cute people, the cutest guy I saw had a shirt outside his pants and his whole looks said "I'm so casual 'cause I don't have a tie" and I guess I wouldn't have anything in common with someone like him anyway.
And people were all over and finally I just got pissed off with everyone (I tend to be like that if nothing good ever happens on a night out) and just took the bus home. Sometimes I really hate people in general.

Today I've been trying to mend myself and become in a better mood but I'm not sure I've succeeded but I guess I'll notice in half an hour when I'm gonna go out and meet my friend Anna for a drink.

At least I've had a nice and slow day. I slept as long as I needed, had breakfast for an hour while reading the paper. Sat down with my computer, a cup of tea and some cigarettes and fed my addiction to facebook and catched up on some *****. I became happier because my friend Giovani had written to me and one of my ex-boyfriends found me and I really like him so we started a nice long-time-no-seen conversation. And then I remebered, there are a lot of nice peolpe around the world and we like each other and life is kind of good.

But I don't know if it's good or bad that facebook comforts me.

I'm so happy I could die, that I've got you

Now me and Martin are officially best friends and he's the cutest and loveliest ever (ok, the one who knows me know that this is just me falling in love with a new friend but right now he really is). The best thing is that we get along well when we study together and that he take notes from the lectures just like me and also that he likes to take long walks. And as I wrote before he's the best cuddler and also my runway-coach.

What else do you need in life?

ready for biomedicin take-off

It have been a lot to do this week but it's alright. It's kind of interesting and even though some of our teachers aren't great it's still ok. And it's gonna be hard work all the way, they're taking off fast and will definitely not slow down so see you around christmas...

too much of everything

Too much to do, too much to learn and too many people to spend time with. I have to sleep sometime so I'll go to bed now. I'll catch up here later. Just wanted to make myself sure that I'm alive.

sunday morning

When you have to go up really early a sunday morning after only a few hours sleep and then see this it's almost worth it.

my lovely lifesavers

I really had an amazing weekend and mostly because of the lovely trio Amanda, Emma and Martin. I spent a lot of time with them and it was massive partying, coffe-drinking, candy-eating and chilling.

I think I spent most of my hours with Martin since I slept at his place two nights and he at mine one night. He's one of my best classmates and a really lovely and cozy person and the fact that he's gay makes it easier to cuddle a lot without second thoughts. I totally need someone like him right now and hopefully he need me too so that we can become great friends.
Even though I know that I like him a lot and that he likes me and we talked a little about relations and how we are I'm still afraid that he'll leave me in some way. I've always had this fear of being abandoned and I know it's a fucked-up thing from my childhood but it's still there, deep down in my subconscius and everytime I meet a new person that I really like I have to fight it. And it's not like J made it better.
I've realised this weekend that I'm much more careful with my feelings and to let people come close. I hate it but I have put up somekind of pro- tection and it makes everything even harder. I wish I was totally sure about everything but I'm not and when I really like people I also really care what they think and that makes me feel like an uncertain little girl again. Fuck what, I hate it.

And speaking of J, everything felt better with that whole issue and I started to feel fine about it when he suddenly called this saturday. I didn't saw who it was and just answered and I couldn't hear anything but people talking for a minute and checked the number and felt like shit when I realised it was him and then he suddenly came to the phone and we talked for a bit and he said that his phone must have redialed my number by mistake or something.
It was all very strange and I don't know what to think about it but now I'm back at square (at least) three and I don't really like it.

And today our new course in biomedicine started and it was a really flying start so now we got no time to take it easy anymore. Now we also know how we'll feel for 5,5 years. It's one weekend of calmness and then just loads of new stuff to put in our heads.

I think Amanda, Emma and Martin will be my lifesavers in vet-school and I hope that I have the energy to be theirs.